Genre: singer-songwriter

mood: listen to the lyrics

I need to write. I got up google docs, changed the font to look like typewriter letters, now my brain is ready. Too many things are going on in my brain and my life I just want to spurt it all out for you… whoever “you” are. I have no idea what I want my major or my minor to be— not even in the slightest. I thought I wanted to do Film and Media studies but I got sass from a Prof to other day so I’m not about that.

I feel sick this morning, and I have to talk to this Prof today (big yikes). I didn’t sign up for classes in the winter on time (bigger yikes). I am going to Germany in a few weeks and am terrified for this trip for no reason (biggest yikes).

I thought I was gonna go on the road after college. Find a band who needed a manager or a tour manager and organize their life because I really like organizing. Yet, now I have two issues. First, I feel it is impossible to get into this industry. I feel stuck about getting internships or finding direction. Second, my life has changed significantly to the point where maybe I don’t want to be on the road… maybe I want to just be.

We might finally be getting justice with different things happening in the Skating World. My heart breaks for the people who have gone through the things the people I love and I have gone through.

There was a shooter on Dartmouth campus Friday night. I never thought I would have to call my mom saying, “I am okay…. I am safe off campus…. But there is an active shooter on campus right now.”

I am writing a piece for a Native American Studies course about Native women and sexual assault. This piece is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

This is just 1/10 of the things going on in my brain right now. This is just 1/100 of the things I feel in my heart.

I know most of this is all focusing on the future too much and not being able to enjoy right now. I was able to enjoy right now just two weeks ago— now everything has changed.

I don’t even know what has changed, I just know that it has.

All I know, is I have the best people right now to support me in all the crap I am going through. At least through all of this, I have never felt alone.

Not only do I have the most amazing friends and supportive guy in my life, but I also have God. And that gives me so much comfort. Even if everything is hectic right now, and things are falling apart— I am confident that everything will be okay.

I am confident that God wants to give me all the riches of the kingdom because he loves us, he loves me. And that gives me more hope in this time than ever before.

So give me another cup of coffee, I can do this.

Give me a hug, I will do this.

Help me be okay with where I am at right now, and I will thrive. Maybe, I don’t have to fix this broken, confused, weird state that I am in— maybe I have to just be okay with it. Accept the broken.

(fun fact, the first dance I choreographed ever with Julianna Rick was to this song in 9th grade… idk why I thought of it but enjoy)