Content warning: emotional abuse, abusive relationship
On my daily walk, I was listening to my Spotify Daily Mix and Hilary Duff’s “Stranger” came on. I hadn’t heard the song since I was in middle school. Now, a decade later, I was struck by the way the lyrics connected with the experiences that a friend had shared with me, regarding her time in an abusive relationship.
In honor of National Domestic Violence Awareness month, I asked this friend if she would be willing to discuss these lyrics as a way to share her experiences with a broader audience. She agreed, so we listened to “Stranger,” and talked about her previous relationship.
**Here is part 2 of “Stranger,” a four-part series that is updated every day from October 20 – October 23. Lyrics will be centered and italicized. Comments from me (Amanda) will be denoted with an A; comments from my friend will be denoted with an L.**
Verse 1 (cont.)
You treat me like a queen when we go out
Wanna show everyone what our love’s about
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd
But when no ones around
L: He did a lot of performative things. If we were with friends, he would make a big show out of paying, even though he’s one of the stingiest people I ever met. Being overwhelmingly affectionate with PDA. It made me feel like a pet. Everyone ooh’s at how cute the dog is and how much the owner loves the dog. I remember people were generally charmed by how he treated me, like it was so wholesome and so sweet. He was very aware that people were around. And he wanted to make it clear to other people how great he was to me. But then he was uncomfortable with me actually expressing opinions. So he would talk about how smart I was but then be uncomfortable with me actually asserting myself.
Chorus:
There’s no kindness in your eyes
The way you look at me, it’s just not right
L: There were times when I would look into his eyes and it was like two black holes. There were times when I felt like he legitimately had no concern for my well-being. It was shocking because he was nothing like that when we first started dating. But things got worse as time passed. For instance, one winter, I was cold and he wouldn’t let me buy a blanket. We were living together at the time. The radiator was broken and he said I couldn’t order a blanket because the room was too small. The truth was he was just mad at me about something. I don’t remember exactly for what. But it doesn’t matter because his reasons for being upset changed everyday. It was psychological warfare.
I can tell what’s going on this time
There’s a stranger in my life
A: Why do you think the song is called “Stranger”?
L: Well, it’s that awful realization that the person who’s closest to you can be crueler than strangers. I’ve had strangers on the NYC subway express more genuine compassion for me at my low points than he ever did.
A: Can you give an example of this?
L: Once, there was construction on one of the trains, and I nearly missed the correct train. A stranger helped me on the right train and helped me with my suitcases. He just asked me about my life and never pushed his agenda or imposed his opinions on my life ever. With my ex, he was always pushing his agenda. Any chance he got to shape my thinking to be more like his, he took it. But “Stranger” could also refer to how when I got to know the person, he was nothing like I thought he was. I realized that he could be really nice to me, but only if he felt like it that day.
You’re not the person that I once knew
L: People always ask “well why would someone put themselves through that?” It’s like the fable of the boiling frog. In the fable, the frog doesn’t know it’s being boiled because it happens so gradually. It won’t notice and will remain in the water until it’s boiled to death. So of course in the beginning he was not like that. In the beginning, it was a lot of words and promises and compliments.
Are you scared to let them know it’s you?
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too
L: This is a common phenomenon. I think his friends would be really shocked if they knew how he treated me. We had a mutual friend, and that friend was stunned when I told him some of the things my ex used to do. He called it “eerie.”
_____________________
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline: “Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/
Thank you to my good friend, L, for taking the time to talk through these lyrics with me and for sharing your story with a broader audience. Thank you to Todd Gibbs for providing the list of resources for Dartmouth students below.
For Dartmouth students, here are some resources and initiatives regarding sexual assault, sexual or gender-based harassment, dating or domestic violence, or stalking:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n-NF475K0QoLxzi6AtAvaWFt64iT1bbDh15lyo2cd2c/edit?usp=sharing
~Amanda V. Chen ‘21
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