Content warning: emotional abuse, abusive relationship
On my daily walk, I was listening to my Spotify Daily Mix and Hilary Duff’s “Stranger” came on. I hadn’t heard the song since I was in middle school. Now, a decade later, I was struck by the way the lyrics connected with the experiences that a friend had shared with me, regarding her time in an abusive relationship.
In honor of National Domestic Violence Awareness month, I asked this friend if she would be willing to discuss these lyrics as a way to share her experiences with a broader audience. She agreed, so we listened to “Stranger,” and talked about her previous relationship.
*Here is the final part of “Stranger,” a four-part series that is updated every day from October 20 – October 23. Lyrics will be centered and italicized. Comments from me (Amanda) will be denoted with an A; comments from my friend will be denoted with an L.**
___________
A: There’s no closure to this song, so we’re going to try to offer some closure.
L: I haven’t found closure.
A: Do you think you’ll ever find closure?
L: I haven’t thought about closure, because I don’t know what it looks like. Usually you look forward to things that you can actually visualize. For example, you’re graduating this year, and you can visualize the stage and the black robes, and the ceremony. What would closure look like for me? Would it be when my stomach acid finally goes away? Or when my jaw stops clenching? Or is it something more abstract?
A: What are some ways that your life is different now compared to when you were in the relationship then?
L: You know, you’re not bad at this peer support thing. Maybe you should consider offering your services sometime.
A: Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll look into it.
L: To answer your question, I can do a lot of things now without him criticizing. For example, I can use hair conditioner and not listen to him gripe about it being a waste of money. That being said, though I haven’t talked to him in a long time, I always hear his voice in my own head.
A: Has that voice changed in the past year and a half since you ended the relationship?
L: The voice hasn’t faded as much as I would have liked. When I speak up in Zoom class, I get short of breath because I automatically anticipate his criticism of what I’m saying. I start sweating a lot as well.
A: What are some coping mechanisms that you’ve developed?
L: I’m still figuring that out. But the people in my life have been really understanding of the changes that have happened to me. I haven’t told them details about the relationship, but they are considerate of the fact that I now startle more easily, am more sensitive to loud voices, and stress more easily. I know that the next step would be to work on self-compassion — I’m not there yet.
A: Earlier, you talked about having to rebuild your dignity. What has this process looked like for you?
L: The process is very early for me still. I’m still reminding myself I’m even worthy of dignity. I don’t have a deep answer to this, but one basic way I’ve been doing this is by taking care of my body even though my body doesn’t feel worthy. I hydrate when I’m thirsty, and I try to sleep when I’m tired. After I’ve done that, it’s like sending a message to my body that it’s worthy. So rather than wait for motivation that will never come, I take care of my body and in the process I realize my body matters.
A: Do you think there’s any reason for the abusive person to stop being abusive?
L: No. The person being abusive has it pretty good compared to the abused person. There’s no reason for the abuser to stop being abusive, really.
A: And there are always going to be people who are vulnerable to falling into an abusive relationship.
L: To be honest, they should be teaching about abusive relationships in school, at the very least the concept of gaslighting. If they can be teaching about Sex Ed, they can be teaching about abusive relationships. People are like “safe sex to protect your body,” but no one talks about protecting your mind.
A: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this.
L: This experience has been challenging but informative for me personally. I learned a lot — I wasn’t aware that I had all these thoughts. I hope this will resonate with some people.
________
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline: “Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/
Thank you to my good friend, L, for taking the time to talk through these lyrics with me and for sharing your story with a broader audience. Thank you to Todd Gibbs for providing the list of resources for Dartmouth students below.
For Dartmouth students, here are some resources and initiatives regarding sexual assault, sexual or gender-based harassment, dating or domestic violence, or stalking:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n-NF475K0QoLxzi6AtAvaWFt64iT1bbDh15lyo2cd2c/edit?usp=sharing
~Amanda V. Chen ‘21
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