On a cold winter afternoon, when I was 13 years old, I entered the large yellow building known as Girls Inc. of Lynn, Massachusetts, that housed an afterschool program that was a second home to me. I sat down at one of the tables in the common room and started doing my homework quietly. My best friend entered carrying what looked like a new book. I didn’t think much of it at first since she was always reading. Until suddenly, my best friend handed me the book! It wasn’t my birthday, but she had still gotten me a gift. I found this a bit odd, but I accepted it. I thought it was a sign because at the time, I didn’t get a chance to read for the fun of it because I was so consumed with school work. I wanted to read more, and this was a perfect chance to start. I was so excited to own this book, even though I didn’t really know much about it.
The book was The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. At the time, I had no idea who the author was. And I didn’t know itthen but receiving this book would change my life. This one book sparked a flow that would eventually fill the bookshelf in my room, as well as a newfound love for reading and stories in general. It entered my life in the most important moment. At the time, I was attending Breed Middle School in Lynn. Lynn was a very beautiful city to me growing up. I truly loved my city. I really felt like I was surrounded by a lot of culture, flavors, and beautiful art. I felt really lucky to grow up in a diverse city because my friends all taught me something new. My favorite part about Lynn was the park, the Lynn Commons. In school, they would tell us that it was in the shape of a shoe-print and it was always fun to go play with my cousins or friends, especially on the hot summer days.
Even so, Breed Middle School was soul crushing, to say the least. Its ceilings were falling apart, its lights were dim and would frequently go out. The building was just so gray and prison-like that I didn’t enjoy being there. Don’t get me wrong, I had some good moments, especially in my classes, but for a large part of my time there, I felt very limited in terms of how I was “allowed” to express myself. There was a strict and sexist dress code and you were expected to fit the mold of a perfect student who didn’t question authority, even for a good reason. The environment at Breed was toxic and I quickly realized that I had to find a way to escape it, even if that escape couldn’t be in real life.
In addition to the bleakness of school, I was also going through a self-discovery period, where I was questioning my identity and my beliefs. I was facing the pressures of being the eldest child of three and had to set a good example for my siblings, but I was struggling to see eye-to-eye with my mom.
The summer between elementary and middle school, my father left and moved back to the Dominican Republic without any notice. The Dominican Republic is 1,587 miles away from where I live. The distance was a physical barrier between us but there was also an emotional barrier; I felt anger, hatred, and even disgust towards him. With all these challenges and hurdles in my way, I fell into the world of the Fault in Our Stars where I knew all that I had to worry about was Hazel and Gus.
The book is about a girl with cancer named Hazel Grace Lancaster, who is forced by her parents to join a support group because they feel that the support group would be a good place for her to connect with others and share her fears. To her surprise, Hazel meets a boy name Augustus (Gus) Waters, who is currently in remission. They become friends and eventually fall in love. I remember sitting in my classes, reading when I had finished my work and just finding myself smiling at their love story unfolding. I enjoyed how Gus was always optimistic and willing to live his life like it would be his last day on Earth. He was also very selfless and caring for his friends and his parents. All he wanted was to make others happy. Hazel and Gus go on a trip to Amsterdam and have one of the best times of their lives exploring. It was as if I was on that adventure with Hazel and Gus; I was “living” my life to the fullest. Well, as much as a 13-year-old could, because as soon as the ring of the bell hit, I was yanked back into reality. Sometimes I would close my eyes for a moment and imagine dining at the fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam, giggling and enjoying amazing food I had never tried before.
To my surprise, I flew through the book. Every time I had a chance to read, I would pick up where I left off. One night, I lay in my bed with the book in my lap. I was reaching the end and I started to feel anxious. Everything up until this point had been going great. Not particularly in my real life, but in my book life, things were good. I flipped and flipped through pages until boom, I was hit by another plot twist: the cancer had returned, and Gus was dying. I was so distraught! I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that someone who was such a good person was going through such a horrible experience. It made me angry. I didn’t realize it then, but I was mostly angry because I related to Gus. I felt like I was mostly a good person and I didn’t understand why the world around me was falling apart. At least I thought it was.
As hot tears rolled down my face, my mom entered my room. I could see in her face that she was upset seeing me in this state. “Que te pasa?” She asked. I told her that I was fine but that my favorite character was dying. She sighed and instead of asking any further questions, she just held me and let me cry for what felt like an eternity. In that moment, all of my pent-up anger towards my father came out, and I noticed how much pain it was causing me to hold it in. This was the first time I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of my mom. This small plot twist opened me up in a way I had never experienced before. I started to spill everything about how I was feeling at school and about my father. My mom listened, and from then, talking to her became another source of sanctuary. To this day, I never got the chance to ask my mom how she felt when she found me like that. I can only imagine that she was concerned and wished that I wasn’t upset over things, especially because I had no control over what happened. Overtime, however, I think she instilled this idea in me that it’s okay if I can’t control everything, I’m human and there are things in this world that cannot be explained.
Before receiving The Fault in Our Stars, I felt like I had to be strong and keep my emotions to myself. The novel taught me that it’s completely okay to feel my feelings. I was allowed to feel upset and hurt by my situation. My feelings were valid; I was valid. I think Hazel realizes this is true for her too when Gus dies, and she allows herself to be angry and to grieve. After finishing The Fault in Our Stars, I didn’t stop reading. Though it didn’t exactly have the traditional “happily ever after” ending, I wanted to read more. I had a craving for more books that would feed my soul and help me heal from what I was experiencing. I also learned that things don’t always turn out how you imagine, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that the world is all bad, it just means that there may be some exploring for me to do in order to find the good.
I found myself participating more, craving to have my voice heard. I started participating in many forms. One instance of this is joining activist groups at Girls Inc. such as Part of the Solution (P.O.S.). P.O.S. is a drug and alcohol awareness and prevention group. As a junior, I was at the forefront of a large project to get three tobacco policies passed in my city. Something important to note is that even though I thought my city was beautiful, there were still problems with poverty and drugs, especially in Hispanic communities. I was so passionate about these policies and the work that I was doing that I had the opportunity to write an argument piece for the Boston Globe, I advocated for the passing of the following policy: raising the minimum legal sales age of tobacco from 18 to 21 in my city and I said, “I have been fighting for this change in the tobacco age in Lynn for three years now. I want to see progress and understanding when it comes to health policies like this one. I hope to see a time where my younger siblings will not be tempted and targeted by tobacco.”I remembered what I had learned from this book; sometimes things don’t go how you expect and that’s okay. I needed to remember this when I felt frustrated working on these policies. Finally, two out of three policies were passed by all of the members of the Board of Health, and I was grateful and proud of my work.
My involvement went on throughout high school through various programs at Girls Inc., and I was fortunate enough to be recognized for all my hard work and dedication. Last spring, Girls Inc. National awarded me a scholarship, and invited me to attend the annual Girls Inc. Luncheon where women, like myself, are praised and congratulated for all they’ve achieved.
When I think back to the 13-year-old girl at an after-school program, I remember how other than talking to her best friend, she kept to herself. Then a magical book landed in her lap that took her on a journey that changed her. Someday, I hope to give back to my community and help other girls like me find books that change their worlds and challenge their perspectives. I know that if it wasn’t for The Fault in Our Stars, I wouldn’t believe in a lot of what I do now. I’m still a sucker for romantic stories and I’m as close as I could ever be with my mom. Although my best friend won’t be reading this, I would like to thank her for bringing this book into my life.
The Fault in Our Starsmade me feel so many different emotions all at once.It was like being on a rollercoaster, there were ups and downs, twists and turns. In one moment, Gus and Hazel are having a deep conversation outside under the stars, and in the next Hazel is in the hospital. Luckily, I love rollercoasters! At some points I was laughing and within a flip of the page, I was crying. I like to think that because of The Fault in Our Stars, I became a sucker for romantic stories. They have allowed me to be vulnerable and be a part of the world the characters live in.I discovered one of the great pleasures in life, reading for the simple enjoyment of it. The Fault in Our Starsprovided me with a beautiful escape and taught me how to understand my life, surroundings, and emotions. My mom became an outlet for my emotions. Thanks to The Fault in Our Stars, I discovered that my mom wouldn’t judge me, instead she would listen.
The Fault in Our Starsopened up doors for me. I gained a stronger sense of myself and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be kind, optimistic, and hopeful. These are some of the characteristics Hazel acquired at the end of the novel after Gus passed away. I went on to achieve things I would have never imagined. Thanks to my best friend at Girls Inc. of Lynn, the book she gifted me gave me hope and courage to be who I am and stand up for what I care about.
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References & Works Cited
Google Maps, www.google.com/maps/dir/Lynn, Massachusetts/Santiago De Los Caballeros, Dominican Republic/@30.9729796,-70.8212753,5z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m13!4m12!1m5!1m1!1s0x89e30e326d82e5af:0x8b493e21b76b4853!2m2!1d-70.9494938!2d42.466763!1m5!1m1!1s0x8eb1c5c838e5899f:0x75d4b059b8768429!2m2!1d-70.6930568!2d19.4791963. Accessed Sep 2018.
“Girls Inc. of Lynn 30th Annual Celebration Luncheon.” Northshore Magazine,
16 July 2018, www.nshoremag.com/community-news/girls-inc-of-lynn-30th-annual-celebration-luncheon/. Accessed Sep 2018.
“Lynn, MA.” Data USA, 2016, datausa.io/profile/geo/lynn-ma/. Accessed Sep 2018.
“Should Lynn Raise the Minimum Age to Purchase Tobacco to 21? – The Boston
Globe.” BostonGlobe.com, The Boston Globe, 5 May 2017, www.bostonglobe.com/metro/regionals/north/2017/05/05/should-lynn-raise-minimum-age-purchase-tobacco/y7wX5zelZwNZ58WxLaHTsK/story.html. Accessed Sep 2018.
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Acknowledgements
I would like to express my sincere gratitude for my classmates who helped me through different phases of writing this paper. Specifically, I would like to thank my peer reviewers: Pam Pitakanonda, Christian Perales, Erica Bermeo-Matute, Pedro Amaya-Mendoza, and René Rodriguez. I would also like to thank my best friend, Denelis Acosta, who gave me the book I wrote about. Without her gift, this story wouldn’t exist. Finally, I would like to recognize my mother, Angela Tavarez, for giving me context about what my home life was like in middle school and for her help through all of that.