By Erica Bermeo
Image: Leon Overweel on unsplash.com
¡Hola! ¡Bienvenidos! Welcome to the Ecuadorian-U.S.border! I hope the airplane ride wasn’t very long. I have lived near the border for about 18 years now without anyone knowing. I live in this small piece of land that is neutral territory and belongs to neither Ecuador nor the United States. Try to identity the Ecuadorian-American border on the map above. As you can see Ecuador is in South America while the United States is a part of North America. While most of you may find it hard to believe, the Ecuadorian-American border exists and I live near it. If you visit Ecuador, you see a small village of Spanish speaking people who are constantly working to raise their animals, get an education, and help bring money to maintain the household. In Ecuador, todos hablaban Español y la familia y la educación son las cosas más importantes.If you turn your head up North, you see the United States. In the U.S., everyone is expected to speak English and “American” is synonymous with being white. The U.S. is made up of 50 states and is seen as the land of prosperity and opportunity. If you look closely at the eastern edge of this map, and zero in on the commotion a little run halfway down, you see bright city lights, tall city buildings, the traffic of vehicles, and crowds of people populating the streets. The place is called New York City, but you can travel around to other states inside the U.S. as well. I can easily move from one country to the next in a matter of minutes. My tongue moves through both countries about 20 times each day constantly switching from English to Spanish. The border begins at the front door of my apartment building and ends at the bottom of the stairwell that leads to the street. However, lately, I am tired of moving back and forth between each country every day. I would like to settle in a place where I would be able to embrace both parts of these countries.
When I was young, I was oblivious to the impact that society can have on my identity. I lived in my own little bubble, unaware of the events that were going on in the world. I lived a very carefree life never really questioning my own identity and how I saw myself. I thought that the way that I saw myself was the way that society also saw me. I think it was in middle school that I learned that while I saw myself through a clear reflective mirror, the rest of the world saw me through a distorted lens. The views of others eventually caused my own reflection of myself to become fogged by clouds of doubt. The bubble that I had been living in had popped. I was dropped into a world I didn’t recognize and fell flat on my face. These experiences woke me up to the reality around me- one that had everything figured out for everyone. I was lost.
Growing up in a Latino household of Ecuadorian parents, my childhood, personality, and morals were largely shaped from Ecuadorian traditions and my parent’s own sense of morality. My first language was Spanish largely due to my exposure to Spanish speaking relatives and I was constantly surrounded with the Latino culture and traditions. My parents even placed me in a bilingual class in elementary school so that I would not forget Spanish while I was learning English. The Latino and Ecuadorian cultures began to occupy an important part of my identity which led me to feel deeply attached to their traditions and beliefs. However, my perception of culture became challenged in school.
My beliefs and ideas of culture were constantly challenged in the third grade when my mom placed me in an all English class, separating me from my friends and culture. This change led me to realize that I would have to separate my life at home with my academics. I was placed in a classroom where I was no longer able to speak Spanish. This unexpected change led me to feel like I was letting go of a piece of my culture and identity. I wanted to stay with my cousins and friends who I grew up with and understood me. I didn’t want to be placed inside a classroom with people that I rarely knew. I didn’t understand why we were expected to learn English if English isn’t America’s official language. I soon learned that I would have to separate the languages I spoke; I would only speak Spanish when I was at home and English at school. This led me to think about society and the world through a whole different perspective.
When I turned 16 years old, I was surrounded by a society that placed me into categories based on my appearance, my gender, and its own perceptions of me. I had a hard time identifying my own culture and heritage. I felt like I had no control of my own life and that my life was already decided for me by other people. Even though I was born in the United States, I had never really felt American. As I grew up, my parents taught me about Ecuadorian culture and tradition, and I have always felt more connected to my Latino roots. I listened to Spanish music, spoke Spanish in my house, and even engaged in Ecuadorian traditions. My life looked pretty great from my Ecuadorian side. I felt very comfortable and deeply attached to the Ecuadorian culture. At least that’s what I told myself.
And yet, I was made to feel like an outsider never really fitting in anywhere. My relatives labeled me “la gringa” because I hadn’t faced the struggles they had overcome living in Ecuador since I was born in the United States. I became aware of this exclusion when my uncle told me to take off the Ecuadorian shirt that I was wearing to celebrate Ecuador’s independence day. “Sobrina, ¿porque estas puesta la camiseta de mi país? Quítate la camiseta. Esa no es tu país. Tu naciste en los Estados Unidos, tu no eres ecuatoriana de verdad,” he told me. Even though I knew he was joking, I could feel a sense of truth in his words. I felt excluded from a culture that I loved deeply. As much as I loved the Ecuadorian culture, in the eyes of my family and other Ecuadorians I was “the American girl.” You might think that while I was rejected from the Ecuadorian part of my identity, I could easily just embrace my American culture, right? Wrong.
From the perspective of the average American, I was always “that Mexican girl” never given the chance to talk about my own culture and ethnicity. I felt like because I was a Latina, people assumed I wasn’t born in the United States. I recall being seen as that “Mexican girl” right after Trump’s election. My mom, sister, and I were walking home one day when a man came near us and remarked, “Trump won the election. You guys should go back to your country. You aren’t welcome here.” Upon hearing these words, I was enraged and saddened that this country, which I have grown up in, was making me feel foreign and unwelcome. His remark revealed the image of “American” that I didn’t fit.
That definition of “American” has now exclusively defined white U.S. citizens only. In Kirsten Silva Gruesz’s article, “America,” Gruez discusses the various connotations and definitions that have become associated with the word “America.” Gruesz discusses how the word “America” use to apply to both North and South America; however, the word is now most commonly associated with white people living in the United States. When I read this article, I found it interesting that a word’s meaning can easily change over time. Although they weren’t given the same rights as U.S. citizens, I was surprised to learn that Canadians, Mexicans as well as Latinos and people from South American countries are by definition “American.” When and why did the definition of “American” exclusively apply to U.S. citizens? Who controlled this? If I wasn’t born in the U.S. and was instead born in Ecuador, would I not be considered “American?”
All of these questions about my identity and societal expectations began to clutter my head during my senior year in high school. When my high school revealed that there would be a Chicano Literature class offered for the term, I was excited. I signed up! Before this class, I had never been exposed to Chicano readings. I felt joy that there was finally Latino representation in literature that would allow me to connect and learn more about the unspoken struggles that Latinos experience in their daily lives. One of the most powerful books that we read in the class was George Washington Gomez by Américo Paredes.In the novel,Paredes discusses the continuous conflict faced by children of Latino parents: being taught about their parents’ native country and culture while growing up in America. In the story, George feels like an outsider growing up along the Texas-Mexican border because he is constantly being influenced by the society around him. He reaches a point where he develops two contrasting identities for himself: Gualinto and George Washington. Through reading about George’s struggle between his Mexican and American cultures, I began to reflect on the conflicts I faced in trying to embrace both my Ecuadorian and American culture while simultaneously being rejected by both. Every day I would have to switch between speaking English and Spanish over and over again depending on whether I was at school or home. My mind would have to completely change gears based on the people that I was talking to and the social space surrounding me. Similar to George, I felt lost in this world that caused me to separate myself into two different people. I felt like I could never embrace both cultures and fully express myself without holding back due to fear of not belonging or being accepted. I would often question: If I accepted and enjoyed both sides of my culture, why wasn’t Iaccepted in both cultures?
While reading George Washington Gomez, I found refuge as I realized that I wasn’t the only person going through this cultural identity crisis. The theme in the novel, of our lives being defined by the decisions of other people, was similar to what I was facing. One of the most important events in the book was George Washington’s naming ceremony. The Gomez family had this tradition that the name of their baby would determine their fate. As a result, they believed that they should carefully pick a name for their new son. As they were deciding, his parents explained, “I would like him to have a great man’s name. Because he’s going to grow up to be a great man who will help his people…He is going to be a great man among the Gringos.” They ended up deciding to name him George Washington Gomez after the first U.S. President because they wanted their son to be a leader of his people. Additionally, they wanted to give him an American name because they believed he would be able to fit in more with the Gringos and become successful. George’s family wished for George to grow up to help out his Mexican people and to have a better life than the one that they lived.
Upon reading the beginning of this book, I was brought back to my own life. My parents always wanted me to work hard in school so that I would be able to go to college and establish a career. Since my parents didn’t have the opportunity to continue studying after middle school, they envisioned that their children would have the opportunity to go to college and have successful careers’ that I was passionate about generating higher income. As I was growing up, my mom would often tell me, “Ponle muchas ganas en tus estudios. Yo no quiero que tu tengas que pasar por lo mismo que yo pase. Tu tienes la oportunidad de estudiar y tener una carrera que te abrirá las puertas a un buen trabajo.” Clearly, my parents had a lot of high expectations for my future and wanted me to give back to my community. At the time, I felt like I didn’t really have a choice to decide on my future since my parents pretty much had it figured out for me. However, I soon realized that just like George’s family they wanted the best for my future, and they eventually allowed me to make my own decisions. As a result, I am continuing to study and work very hard in college to make my parents proud and to compensate them someday in the future for all that they have done for me. George’s naming ceremony and family expectations allowed me to connect to the feelings of pressure and lack of free will to make my own decision; however, it made me realize all the sacrifices that my family had made so that I can have a better life.
While I did share many aspects of my identity in common with George, I felt like my struggle wasn’t fully represented in the novel since I was female while George was male. The intersectionality of being a Latina woman made my identity crisis even worse since, there were gender roles in each society that I was expected to conform to. As I was growing older, my family began to alert me of the future roles that I would have to assume as a Latina woman. I remember my mom teaching my sister and me to cook while telling us,“Tienen que aprender a cocinar. ¿Si tu marido no sabe cocinar, que vas a comer? Tu vas a tener que cocinar.”In the Latino community, it was expected that women would be the ones cooking and cleaning in the household while men would work and bring money into the house. As I questioned her why, then, my father cooks, she responded, “No todos los hombres aprenden a cocinar.”While there has been some improvements reducing stereotypical gender norms of men and women, I was annoyed that there were still some gender norms like machismo that persisted. I found it hard to believe that when it came to certain activities or behaviors, women were still seen as inferior to men and hidden in society. Since I grew up in New York City, I was already exposed to the liberal ideas of women not being confined to gender roles and had developed the mindset that we should defy limiting societal expectations. While Latina experience wasn’t reflected in George’s narrative, it is addressed in Gloria Anzaldua’s article.
The patriarchal society that we live in can also be seen in Gloria Anzaldua’s “How to Tame a Wild Tongue.” In the article, Anzaldua describes the way that Americans often try to assimilate Chicanos to their culture through making them view their own native culture as inferior. She also touches on the struggle of Chicana women being often hidden behind the struggle of Chicano men. When Anzaldua hears the word “nosotras” being used, she was “shocked. I had not known the word existed. Chicanas use nosotros whether we’re male or female. We are robbed of our female being by the masculine plural. Language is a male discourse.” On top of the hardships of being a ethnic minority group, being a Latina women makes it twice as difficult since there are these stereotypes and gender roles that we are expected to follow. Inside the Latino community, the Latina women is often silenced due to the use of masculine plurals to refer to a male and female. As I read the article, I was able to identity with Anzaldua because I have undergone situations in my life where I was forced to assimilate to American culture through learning to speaking English. Similar to Anzaldua, I love my Latino culture but oftentimes I also feel excluded and silenced due to my gender.
My exposure to George Washington Gomezand Latino literature has shaped the person that I am today- a border dweller. At the end of the book, George decides to fully embrace his American side and completely forget about his Mexican culture as he works as border security. When I read the ending, I felt betrayed that the influence of the clashing of cultures led George to abandon his Mexican culture. While I was able to connect to the pressure and struggle of living between two contrasting cultures that George faced, I was able to realize the hardships that Latina women face in society and society’s influence on an individual’s personality. Unlike George at the end of the novel, I wish to continue to embrace both my Ecuadorian and American culture without caring what other people think. I am happy to be able learn about the traditions and culture of both countries that have shaped me. Throughout my life, I retain the English language and liberal ideas that I have learned from living in America while still appreciating the Spanish language, music, food, and traditions. So here I am today, living on the border. I have regarded the border as my home and safe haven. The place where I am free to switch between English and Spanish when I want to or to combine both languages into one. The region where I am considered both Ecuadorian andAmerican. As I still often feel like an outsider at times, I push forward and remind myself that the mixture of cultures has allowed me to embrace certain aspects of each culture. I have become more diverse, open to the idea of constantly learning about different cultures, and free to choose which traditions of the cultures I want to implement in my life. So to all of you individuals growing up with clashing cultures, don’t feel ashamed and pressured to choose a side. I invite you to the border where you are free to explore, embrace both of your cultures, and establish a sense of belonging and home.
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank Alejandra Ada, Gil Assi, Jessica Hernandez, Tooryanand Seetohul, Zion Slaughter, and Daniel Affsprung for helping me and giving me feedback as I was writing my paper. Through the feedback and advice you gave, I was able to revise my paper and improve the quality of my writing. I am extremely grateful for all of your help and support throughout this process.
References & Works Cited
Anzaldúa, Gloria. “How To Tame a Wild Tongue.”Borderlands/La Frontera. Aunt Lute Books.1987. pp. 34-35. Oct 8 2018.
Kirsten Silva Gruesz. “America.” Keywords for American Cultural Studies. NYU Press, 2014, pp. 19-22. Oct. 8 2018.
Paredes, Américo and Fernández Gil María Jesús. “Part I: Los Sediciosos: The Seditionists.” George Washington Gómez. Arte Público Press, 2014, pp. 17. Oct 6 2018.
Gabalis, Arunas. “Map of South and North America with countries, capitals and major cities.” Shutterstock.n.d. Oct. 7 2018.