Final Draft: Free Music Streaming
Commentary:
Teddy, You’ve added some transitions and reordered information that make it significantly easier to follow your discussion here, but at other points, you’re missing opportunities to connect paragraphs and sections to one another and to your larger main idea. On the latter issue, I think that your introduction offers too much specific information and misses an opportunity to clearly, concisely state your main idea. Your source introductions have gotten more specific, but you’re still not always honing in on why a particular article or writer is credible for the audience. It’s not enough to know who the author is; I want to know why I should trust that person’s information or opinion. Finally, your conclusion seems slight given the amount of information you cover in your paper.
Teddy, I think the most pressing place for you to begin your revision is with organization: I’m not sure the paragraphs make sense in this order. Consider creating a reverse outline in which you describe the purpose or main idea of each paragraph. Once you’ve done that, re-order your paragraphs so that connected ideas follow one another.