I entered college as a competitive distance runner for Dartmouth Women’s Cross-Country and Track and Field teams. Three years later, my honors thesis below represents the determination I continue to feel in this athletic discipline, albeit in a completely different capacity. My relationship with running was never healthy. My personality has always been one of devotion — of wholeheartedly throwing myself into something with contagious energy. I have learned, however, with time and perspective, that such passion can become a double-edged sword. When I set my mind to improvement and identified weight as the factor restricting my growth, it ignited an eating disorder whose effects reverberated through my life. At college, things became even more unbalanced; as I tried to keep up at the collegiate level, my dietary restrictions became even more severe until they began to manifest in all aspects of my life. Finally, I had to confront the toll my choices were taking on my body and recognized I needed to leave my sport to recover. However, I stayed involved with the community of women I had come to know so deeply, and I began to recognize teammates struggling with similar issues — fighting and losing the very same battles I escaped from. I was reminded of the power my own eating disorder had over me, hidden in shame behind the façade of my identity as an athlete. I realized remaining silent about this issue in my sport only perpetuated its power over much of the larger running community; someone needed to speak out about this problem. As an athlete and an anthropologist trained in seeking to understand culture and its influences on lived experience, I was uniquely positioned to initiate change.

I began a research project that evolved into my senior thesis bringing light to disordered eating in the world of distance running. I have spoken with athletes at multiple universities, allowing them to tell their stories while encouraging them to have more discussions about the issue. These accounts revealed a multitude of blurry lines encouraging silence and perpetuating stigma. Already, carrying out this project has initiated conversation and women are beginning to think critically about how they can be a part of changing this shadowed aspect of their sport.

At times, this endeavor has been immensely discouraging. For some women, there is nothing I, or an athletic department, can do to alter the behavior that is harming them. At first, these conversations caused despair; I felt helpless fighting an issue so deeply engrained. But if even one woman is receptive — if I make one voice feel heard or help one soul realize she is not alone in her struggles — the entire project will be worth it.

Running a Blurry Line: Lived Experiences of Disordered Eating Among Female Distance Runners

Final Presentation – Running a Blurry Line