A brief reflection on my feelings regarding one of many events that unfolded and one of the most defining decisions I’ve ever had to make.

If anything, spring term had confirmed what I had already feared since fall term. That I wouldn’t survive in the premed weeder courses. Known for being notoriously difficult, I nevertheless went in with the positive carefree attitude that I carried with me to all my other classes. As long as I went in there and had a pleasurable time learning things, I would be fine. However, that was not the case. No matter how hard I tried, my head could not, seemed to refuse the mass of information being forced into me. The endless stream of problems I solved seemed to consume me, and my once mutual appreciation for chemistry soon turned into a hate. As much as my friends tried helping and supporting me, this was a battle that I had to face for myself. They were also stressed about chem, obsessing over it like a never-fading scar on their forehead. It seemed silly, almost unreasonable, to spend sleepless nights and spend their days and nights continuously talking about, continuously analyzing every aspect of one problem that would inevitably not show up on any examinations. 

I say this with hurt and disappointment. Even now, I feel ashamed when I think about how I dropped a course. A chemistry course, a stem course for god’s sake, a course that I was supposed to get through, a course that all my friends got through. I put myself into this, but why wasn’t I able to get out of it? It seems to put me in a position of inferiority, that I wasn’t fit enough, I wasn’t enough to get through this. But it was a decision that I made after 27 weeks of contemplation. 27 weeks of courses and 27 weeks of thinking that I was able to get through premed, 27 weeks that I could have explored other courses that had sparked an interest of me, 27 weeks of my life and college experience that I’ll never get back. So now I am able to explore the rest of what college has to offer, and I have the opportunity to further and enrich myself with what I’m interested in and what want to continue doing with my life. 

Dropping a course made me realize the position I’m in, the liminal period between my teenage years and the first glimpses of my life in my 20s. How things can change without you knowing or being aware of it, the first taste of freedom and independence regarding what you want to do with your life. By dropping out of chem and therefore signing my release form from the medical field, I find myself thrust into a sea of uncertainty. The choices are many, but for now, I’m drowning. 

It seems cliche of me to mention my lab again, but that has genuinely been one of the most defining moments for me my spring term. Being reintroduced to lab research has sparked me as it has in the past. My life of dullness and monotonous studying during fall and winter term was reinvigorated through the presence of application of knowledge, another path that I could take and still be tangentially related to the premed title I so desperately clung on to until it was no longer possible for me to do so. The people there are truly what would make or break my experience. The graduate students have introduced me to a life where everything is possible, I could do so many things, the possibilities wide and endless. I would be able to do what would bring in money and what I could develop some sort of skill out of pure interest in, bioengineering and technology; on the other hand, I could still lead my double life and pursue the humanities. I would be able to drink tea freely and discuss literary texts and ideas with like minded individuals, I would be able to do anything that I wished to do. 

Best of all, I don’t have to force myself to do anything in engineering *knocks on wood*. No longer are the days where I spent nights poring over any and every chem resource there was, no longer are the sleepless nights before midterms and finals that I would spend, thinking if there was any other way I could study, or more ways I would be able to prepare myself before the upcoming mental brutality. 

Let’s hope engineering is a bit different. But now, I’m free. I can go pursue whatever interests I have, whether it be engineering or anthropology or design or philosophy, I know that I will be much more satisfied in what I choose to do as compared to when I stayed in premed.