Tag Archives: Relationships

Cost of Friends vs Enemies

Title: Cost of Friends vs Enemies

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: English
  • Informant: Sarah Katzenell
  • Date Collected: 29 October 2018

Informant Data

  • Sarah Katzenell was born in Jerusalem and raised in Jerusalem through the early 2000s. Her family was Jewish and Israeli, and Sarah speaks fluent Hebrew and English and knows limited amounts of Yiddish. She moved to Hanover, NH with her husband to receive a PhD in immunology, and now works as a post doctorate researcher in a biochemistry lab at Dartmouth College.

Contextual Data

  • Social Context: Sarah says that she has often heard or used this proverb in her daily life when discussing personal relationships. For instance, she says that the proverb would be appropriately invoked when someone is complaining about the work and time that is required to make a friend or when fretting about something trivial that they feel has made someone dislike them. Especially when speaking with young children who are first learning to make and maintain friends, Sarah believes the proverb offers excellent advice as a way to remind people that you must work hard for friends, but it is worth it. Similarly, it is important to be reminded that sometimes people dislike us for reasons that are not worth getting personally upset over. The proverb is therefore told in a way that is humorous, relieves tension from a strained relationship, but is often meant to be met with relief or appreciation that relationships in general are complicated.
  • Cultural Context: Sarah has heard the proverb in English, Yiddish, and Hebrew, but tends to use it in English. English and Hebrew are both frequently spoken by one person in Israel.

Item

The piece was recited in English by Sarah as this is how she uses it most frequently.

“Friends cost money, but enemies are for free.”

 

Collector’s Notes

  • This proverb does not fit into the structures suggested by Dundes, but clearly relies on parallelism (friends cost money vs enemies cost no money). I was interested in this proverb as an example of a more humorous proverb that Sarah suggested was originally Yiddish in nature (although she does not speak Yiddish and instead knows it in English). As common in Yiddish proverbs that I collected, this proverb demonstrates a rather cynical and dry humor that takes an unpleasant fact of life and makes it laughable (compare to “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t!). Furthermore, the humorous nature of this proverb once again provides a great example of the way proverbs are used to dispel tension while providing advice.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Yiddish Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Friends
  • Enemies

 

Enemy’s Downfall

Title: Enemy’s Downfall

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: Hebrew
  • Informant: Shoshana Zohar
  • Date Collected: 1 November 2018

Informant Data

  • Shoshana Zohar was born 13 November 1988 in Elko, Nevada to a Jewish mother and Jewish, Israeli father. Shoshana was raised Jewish and after visiting Israel as a young adult, decided she felt safer there than in her home country. She moved to Israel in January 2013. Shoshana speaks fluent Hebrew and English.

Contextual Data

  • Culture Context: Shoshana was often taught this proverb, which is biblical in nature, growing up. She did not recall a time when someone told this proverb to her, but imagines she would likely feel ashamed if someone had to point out her improper behavior towards someone else’s pain.
  • Social Context: Although she doesn’t recall any of the specific instances when it was told to her, she indicated that she would likely use this proverb to remind someone to be kind or a gracious winner. For instance, Shoshana expressed that the proverb should be used as a reprimand when a lack of respect or humbleness is demonstrated when someone else, even if it is someone you do not like, is suffering.

Item

The piece was recited by Shoshana Zohar over a phone call and then repeated in Hebrew, followed by English translation for Hannah to record. Shoshana kindly provided the Hebrew text.

בנפול אויבך אל תשמח

Translation word for word:

“Downfall your enemy unto rejoice.”

Translation general:

“Do not rejoice at your enemy’s downfall.”

 

Collector’s notes

  • This piece is a typical example of a Jewish Biblical  proverb in that it acts as a commandment, has serious imagery, and does not match any of Dundes’ suggested structures. Importantly, this was the first proverb I collected that was intended to elicit a negative emotion in the receiver. Among the proverbs my group collected, it was far more common for the proverb to serve as a way to dispel tension or add humor to a serious situation. However, this proverb clearly violates that usual function in providing a rather harsh reprimand. Therefore, we see that while this proverb does not serve the usual function of dispelling tension, it clearly teaches social norms and cultural expectations, which is another important function of proverbs. I am particularly interested in analyzing this proverb as it relates to its more casual and  humorous  counterpart. Please see this link.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Hebrew Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Enemy

Teacher and Student

Title: Teacher and Student

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: Hebrew
  • Informant: Shoshana Zohar
  • Date Collected: 1 November 2018

Informant Data

  • Shoshana Zohar was born 13 November 1988 in Elko, Nevada to a Jewish mother and Jewish, Israeli father. Shoshana was raised Jewish and after visiting Israel as a young adult, decided she felt safer there than in her home country. She moved to Israel in January 2013. Shoshana speaks fluent Hebrew and English.

Contextual Data

  • Cultural Context: Shoshana first heard the proverb when she admitted to her cousin that she was too shy to ask something. It was said in a friendly but firm way to remind Shoshana that if she wanted to learn something, she would have to “get over” her shyness at least momentarily to ask. The second part of the proverb was told to her in a more soothing way to remind Shoshana that educators and people that teach will not be impatient or harsh with her or they would not choose to be educators.
  • Social Context:  Shoshana says the two parts of the proverb can be used individually. For instance, she says that when she gets impatient at work when trying to teach someone how to do something, she’ll remind herself of this part of the proverb as a self-criticism to try harder to be patient. Shoshana would also use this proverb or tell it to others if she saw someone like her too shy to ask something, or someone being impatient when teaching another something.
  • Shoshana invokes the first part of the proverb most often to remind herself that to use something she has just learned and may not have mastered yet. She added, “If you are too afraid of how you’ll look when you try something or when you ask a question, you won’t learn or improve.”
  • Shoshana also indicated that this proverb isn’t always used literally. For instance, it can be used simply to relate to the fact that certain pairs of people will not work well together. Shoshana said that this proverb can be said to an acquaintance when discussing a dysfunctional relationship or partnership among two people with contradictory personalities.

Item

The piece was recited by Shoshana Zohar over a phone call and then repeated in Hebrew, followed by English translation for Hannah to record. Shoshana kindly provided the Hebrew text.

לא הביישן למד, ולא הקפדן מלמד

Word for Word Translation:

“No the shy learn, and no strict teaches.”

Translation:

“The shy one does not learn, and the impatient one doesn’t teach.”

 

Collector’s Notes

  • I was unsure when I first heard this piece if it was in fact a proverb. The initial situation in which Shoshana explained it was used was far too literal with no use of metaphor. However, when Shoshana explained that the proverb can also be used to refer to any pair of people in a difficult relationship, the proverb gained metaphorical meaning.
  • The proverb itself lacks the structures suggested by Dundes, but clearly has a parallel structure of its own that is unique among the proverbs I collected. The piece is also interesting as it does not seem to suggest a way of resolving the situation (two people that aren’t able to work together), but rather provides the absolute that such a relationship will not work.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Hebrew Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Teaching
  • Learning

 

 

Difficult Person

Title: Difficult Person

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: English and Yiddish
  • Informant: Hannah Margolis
  • Date Collected: 28 October 2018

Informant Data

  • Hannah K Margolis was born and raised in north-eastern Nevada. She is Jewish by birth, and her mother, father, and father’s parents all practiced Judaism actively throughout her early life. Her grandparents spoke and could read both Yiddish and English, so when Hannah visited them in Baltimore she was exposed to Yiddish sayings and their contexts.

Contextual Data

  • Cultural Context: Although Hannah doesn’t remember when or where she first started using the proverb in question, it was likely picked up during her childhood from her grandparents. She uses the proverb as advice when someone mentions having to deal with a difficult person- often someone they don’t get along with from former experience. Most often, she would invoke it when a difficult relative was visiting and someone mentioned dreading the visit.
  • Social Context: The proverb itself is meant to be met with amusement and is used casually. Often, the amusement can help relax the tense situation of awaiting said relative or acquaintance’s arrival. To Hannah, the proverb should convey a sense of relief and reminder that it is better to deal with a difficult person you do know than a difficult person you do not know as when dealing with someone you do know, you can at least be aware of what is ahead, manage expectations, and have experience on how to make the encounter less difficult. The proverb can be said to people of all ages and regardless of which family member or acquaintance they are experiencing difficulty with.

Item

The piece was recalled in its English version, which is how Hannah has always used it. She is aware that the piece also has a Yiddish translation from which it originated, which she looked up and provided.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t!”

Translation to Yiddish-

“Besser mitn taivel vos m’ken eider mitn taivel vos, ‘ken im nit!”

 

Collector’s Comments

  • This proverb is a clear example of Dundes’ “Better _______ than ______ structure” and  a clear example of a Yiddish proverb. Particularly in English, this proverb had the interesting characteristic in that it is rather a mouthful to say and has a specific rhythm to it. Given that this proverb is used to dispel tension through humor (as well as give advice), I have speculated that the rhythm and clunkiness of the English saying within itself provides a way of diverting a conversation out of concerns over a relatives visit and into the proverb and humorous response to follow.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Yiddish Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Family
  • Friends

 

 

Duty to Others

Title: Duty to Others

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: Hebrew
  • Informant: Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein
  • Date Collected: 5 October 2018

Informant Data

  • Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein was born in Phoenix, Arixona and received his master’s of rabbinic studies and rabbinic ordination from the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the American Jewish University. Goldstein worked for three years at Elon University as the associate chaplain for Jewish Life after serving as rabbi for the Commack Jewish Center in Commack, New York. He began his position of tenured Dartmouth Hillel Rabbi in July 2018.

Contextual Data

  • Social Context: Rabbi Goldstein often uses this proverb with friends and with his wife. He explained the context as almost joking or teasing in nature, designed to be a friendly reminder of the obligation friends have towards each other rather than a reprimand or accusation. As a common example, Rabbi Goldstein said that his wife, Laura, loves sweets and will often bring them home. However, Rabbi Goldstein says he will eat all of them, and when he sees that Laura has brought sweets home, he’ll say the proverb to her.
  • Cultural Context: The proverb is biblical in nature, but Rabbi Goldstein does not think this prevents it from being applicable to others. He explained it to be as a reminder that when someone has an inability to see things, it is our obligation to make sure that we do not do anything that may trip them up, literally or metaphorically. Instead, Rabbi Goldstein suggests it is our personal obligation to understand the shortcoming of those close to us and make sure we do not purposefully make something more difficult for them.

Item

The piece was presented in the original biblical Hebrew by Rabbi Goldstein and translated orally in its literal and general form. Rabbi Goldstein kindly provided the Hebrew writing.

לִפְנֵ֣י עִוֵּ֔ר לֹ֥א תִתֵּ֖ן מִכְשֹׁ֑ל

Translation- word for word

“Before sightless no give them offense.”

Translation- general

“Do not place a stumbling block before the blind.”

Collector’s Comments

  • This proverb is an excellent example of the type of Biblical proverbs we found common in the Jewish culture. The proverb is presented as a commandment rather than in the structures presented by Dundes and uses serious imagery. Very interestingly, although this proverb invokes a rather serious image and strict, Biblical teachings, Rabbi Goldstein suggested it is often used in a light and humorous way among friends and family. It seems that this proverb has a dual nature in which it can either be used in such a joking manner or used as a more strict reminder of the mutual responsibility two people in a relationship have towards each other.
  • This proverb also provides a good example of the way proverbs can be an important means of cultural or religious instruction.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Hebrew Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Responsibility

Understanding and Listening

 

Title: Understanding and Learning

General Information about Item 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: English
  • Informant: Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein
  • Date Collected: 5 October 2018

Informant Data

  • Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein was born in Phoenix, Arixona and received his master’s of rabbinic studies and rabbinic ordination from the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the American Jewish University. Goldstein worked for three years at Elon University as the associate chaplain for Jewish Life after serving as rabbi for the Commack Jewish Center in Commack, New York. He began his position of tenured Dartmouth Hillel Rabbi in July 2018.

Contextual Data

  • Social Context: Rabbi Goldstein uses this proverb either when giving advice to couples or when discussing ways to overcome what he called, “seemingly unbridgeable chasms.” He has used it in formal settings when teaching at Dartmouth, but also recited it in a personal setting. The piece can be applied to any situation where two people have different opinions and must be reminded to consider each other’s point of view.
  • Cultural Context: Goldstein says that to him it is a reminder that, when we are on a different level as people who are most committed and involved in our lives, it is our obligation to go out of our way to do whatever is necessary to hear them from the place where they speak. The piece therefore asks, “How do you hear someone who is speaking their own truth from a place that is different from your place?” He therefore thinks that although the piece is Jewish in origin, it is widely applicable to many current situations in the world where people should listen to each other.

Item

The piece was recited orally by Rabbi Goldstein and he also kindly provided a written transcript.

“If you’re wife is short, bend down to listen to her.”

Collector’s Comments

  • I was intrigued by this proverb  as all other Jewish proverbs collected were either clearly Biblical ( more strict, more literal, a clear commandment) or Yiddish (often excessively humorous or outrageous), and this proverb does not clearly fit either category. Rabbi Goldstein’s use of the proverb in English suggests it is used with a more reform and American style of Judaism, in which participants do not necessarily know Yiddish or Hebrew.
  • In the same way that the proverb does not clearly fit into the “Biblical” or “Yiddish” categories of Jewish proverbs, it also does not fit into any of Dundes’ structures. However, the proverb does use humorous or at least cute imagery to convey advice that Goldstein suggests is commonly used in particularly tense situations: when any two groups are arguing due to a fundamental misunderstanding or difference of views. Therefore, this proverb is an excellent example of the function of proverbs to dispel tension and provide advice.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis 

 

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Jewish Proverb
  • Relationships
  • Listening

Relationship Expectations in Judaism

Title: Relationship Expectations in Judaism

General Information about Item: 

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: Hebrew
  • Informant: Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein
  • Date Collected: 5 October 2018

Informant Data

  • Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein was born in Phoenix, Arixona and received his master’s of rabbinic studies and rabbinic ordination from the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the American Jewish University. Goldstein worked for three years at Elon University as the associate chaplain for Jewish Life after serving as rabbi for the Commack Jewish Center in Commack, New York. He began his position of tenured Dartmouth Hillel Rabbi in July 2018.

Contextual Data

  • Social Context: At weddings or in situations of tense relationships (marriage counseling or casual conversation), Rabbi Goldstein has used or heard the expression used to remind the couple involved of their commitment to one another. Rabbi Goldstein says that the expression is invoked to provide advice to couples as a reminder to act out of love and build the relationship in mature ways. He also said the proverb may be used to remind close friends of their commitment to each other as well. The proverb is therefore often invoked in a more private setting when used as advice in a hurting relationship or publicly as a type of vow during a wedding.
  • Cultural Context: The piece is biblical in origin and was a teaching of Rabbi Akiva who lived during the beginning of the second century. Goldstein said her personally interprets the teaching to reference that when two people commit to each other and they act in fidelity to that commitment with love and justice and support to grow, then god is with them in that relationship. If they choose not to, they are consumed by fires of jealousy, disappointment, and anger. In either case, the proverb is supposed to invoke the question, “What does Judaism want from us in our relationships?”
  • Goldstein also showed me that when the Hebrew letters ‘ (yod) and ה (hei) are combined from the word for man (א’ש) and woman (אשה), they form ה’, which is Hebrew for “God.” When the letters yod and hei are removed from the words for man and woman, the remaining letters, אש, are Hebrew for fire. Therefore, the proverb literally shows that without God, man and woman together is fire.

Item         

The piece was written down by Rabbi Goldstein for my reference. The translation (word for word and general) was provided orally by Goldstein.

א’ש ואשה זכו שכ’נה ב’נ’הן לא זכו אש

Translation – word for word

“Man and woman if they merit god is with; if they do not merit, fire.”

Translation- general

“When a man and a woman act towards each other with righteousness and merit, then god also dwells in their relationship. When they don’t, fire consumes them.”

Collector’s Comments

  • I was particularly interested in this piece for several reasons. 1) It serves as an example of a more serious and biblical proverb that therefore lacks any of the structures suggested by Dundes for proverbs, 2) despite its biblical origin it has been adopted for frequent use as oral folklore in which the original source no longer matters, and 3) it has an element to it that can be expressed only through writing (that is, seeing how the letters of the words recombine to form ה’ versus אש). Therefore, while this proverb is clearly used in ways that are in line with its characteristic of a proverb: it is spoken, provides advice, and encourages the teaching of one’s culture, it also can be used in written form, which is not proverbial.
  • Additionally of interest is the fact that this proverb is rather literal and not as metaphorical as other proverbs collected. However, the fact that the proverb uses a situation of a man and a woman in a relationship, yet Rabbi Goldstein’s insistence that the proverb can relate to any two people provides a bit of a metaphorical edge.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

  • Verbal Lore
  • Proverbs
  • Hebrew Proverb
  • Relationships

50 Plagues

Title: 50 Plagues

General Information about Item:

  • Verbal Lore, proverb
  • Language: Hebrew
  • Informant: Moshe Gray
  • Date Collected: 10-24-18

Informant Data:

  • Rabbi Gray was born in New York City and grew up in Seattle. He obtained his rabbinical ordination from the Chief Rabbi of Nachalat Har Chabad. He has studied at yeshivas in England, Israel, Canada and America. He is currently the Rabbi at Chabad at Dartmouth College.

Contextual Data:

  • Cultural Context: The proverb is from a section of the Talmud, a religious text about civil and ceremonial law, which discusses primarily building codes. Towards the end, the Talmud goes into tangents, and in one of these tangents, the verse includes the proverb. The verse the Talmud uses to back up this proverb is a verse from Job, where his friends come to him and say that it is better what you are dealing with, and the challenges and the struggles, than to be poor. This emphasizes poverty in the home as the source of many challenges. The term 50 plagues is used because Job says that the hand of God has touched him, and the 10 plagues of Egypt is considered the finger of God. So, if the finger of God is 10 plagues, the hand of God is 50 plagues.
  • Social Context: Rabbi Gray learned this proverb from his religious studies. He finds the proverb to still be applicable in today’s society, as many divorces originate from financial struggles. Financial struggles put a tremendous strain on relationships and families.

Item:

Orally transmitted proverb:

קשה עניות בתוך ביתו של אדם יותר מחמשים מכות

Translation:

“Poverty in one’s home is worse than 50 plagues.”

Associated file (a video, audio, or image file):

 

Informant’s Comments:

  • Rabbi Gray was unsure when this proverb would actually be used in common conversation.

Collector’s Comments:

  • I found this proverb especially representative of the notion that proverbs can remove blame by treating an idea as common wisdom. Speaking to someone about finances can be uncomfortable and by using a proverb, it removes a lot of this discomfort.

Collector’s Name: Madison Minsk

Tags/Keywords:

  • Verbal Lore
  • Hebrew Proverb
  • Relationships