Title: Relationship Expectations in Judaism

General Information about Item: 

• Verbal Lore, proverb
• Language: Hebrew
• Informant: Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein
• Date Collected: 5 October 2018

Informant Data

• Rabbi Meir Cohen Goldstein was born in Phoenix, Arixona and received his master’s of rabbinic studies and rabbinic ordination from the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the American Jewish University. Goldstein worked for three years at Elon University as the associate chaplain for Jewish Life after serving as rabbi for the Commack Jewish Center in Commack, New York. He began his position of tenured Dartmouth Hillel Rabbi in July 2018.

Contextual Data

• Social Context: At weddings or in situations of tense relationships (marriage counseling or casual conversation), Rabbi Goldstein has used or heard the expression used to remind the couple involved of their commitment to one another. Rabbi Goldstein says that the expression is invoked to provide advice to couples as a reminder to act out of love and build the relationship in mature ways. He also said the proverb may be used to remind close friends of their commitment to each other as well. The proverb is therefore often invoked in a more private setting when used as advice in a hurting relationship or publicly as a type of vow during a wedding.
• Cultural Context: The piece is biblical in origin and was a teaching of Rabbi Akiva who lived during the beginning of the second century. Goldstein said her personally interprets the teaching to reference that when two people commit to each other and they act in fidelity to that commitment with love and justice and support to grow, then god is with them in that relationship. If they choose not to, they are consumed by fires of jealousy, disappointment, and anger. In either case, the proverb is supposed to invoke the question, “What does Judaism want from us in our relationships?”
• Goldstein also showed me that when the Hebrew letters ‘ (yod) and ה (hei) are combined from the word for man (א’ש) and woman (אשה), they form ה’, which is Hebrew for “God.” When the letters yod and hei are removed from the words for man and woman, the remaining letters, אש, are Hebrew for fire. Therefore, the proverb literally shows that without God, man and woman together is fire.

Item         

The piece was written down by Rabbi Goldstein for my reference. The translation (word for word and general) was provided orally by Goldstein.

א’ש ואשה זכו שכ’נה ב’נ’הן לא זכו אש

Translation – word for word

“Man and woman if they merit god is with; if they do not merit, fire.”

Translation- general

“When a man and a woman act towards each other with righteousness and merit, then god also dwells in their relationship. When they don’t, fire consumes them.”

Collector’s Comments

• I was particularly interested in this piece for several reasons. 1) It serves as an example of a more serious and biblical proverb that therefore lacks any of the structures suggested by Dundes for proverbs, 2) despite its biblical origin it has been adopted for frequent use as oral folklore in which the original source no longer matters, and 3) it has an element to it that can be expressed only through writing (that is, seeing how the letters of the words recombine to form ה’ versus אש). Therefore, while this proverb is clearly used in ways that are in line with its characteristic of a proverb: it is spoken, provides advice, and encourages the teaching of one’s culture, it also can be used in written form, which is not proverbial.
• Additionally of interest is the fact that this proverb is rather literal and not as metaphorical as other proverbs collected. However, the fact that the proverb uses a situation of a man and a woman in a relationship, yet Rabbi Goldstein’s insistence that the proverb can relate to any two people provides a bit of a metaphorical edge.

Collector’s Name: Hannah Margolis

Hannah Margolis, 20

Hinman Box 2464

Dartmouth College

Hanover, NH 03755

Russian 13

Fall 2018

Tags/Keywords 

• Verbal Lore
• Proverbs
• Hebrew Proverb
• Relationships