6/21/22

I am often very tired

But sometimes i get spurts of high anergy

Depression? Mania?

Ups and downs

In order to regulate

The chaotic energy 

it is important to be regular

If you do the same shit regularly

It will cycle the energy

In a manner that is healthy 

For peak function

Emotional disregulation

Lack of energy

So much sadness

Lack of connection with the universe

God didnt answer

So maybe medication 

Will do for now

Passion hasn’t sparked 

Continuously

Self destruction in prevalent

But not decimating

It has been hard to do all the things i need to 

I stumble through quick sand

Falling deep

Into you stop fighting

And you relax 

Accept 

Dont push or cling

Simply let things be

The void is still all encompassing 

Shed tears of compassion

Not all the spark is gone

The ember still burns

You are not dead

You have form

And suffering is inherent in form

But there must a burn a fire

Lighting up the energy

There is energy everyone 

But this consciousness resides here

Now

How do you have the strength to love

The fact that you have just kept going

You get wiped to the ground

And you get the fuck up

And move the fuck one

Carry on living

In spite of the pain the suffering

You wont die

You can exist

Knowing one day you will not

You almost wish for that same

Almost crave the feeling

Entertaining the thought of the void

Just holding it in your mind

Sometimes lovingly sometimes angrily

Trying to fathom the depths of the universe

But forgetting and returning to the moment

Falling asleep 

Cyclically running through 

Until you stop

Fall apart

Reach for form then watching it fall away

But there is also running towards each breath with excitement 

Going going doing

Getting everything done

Obsessively fully completely 

Quickly reaching 

For the highest stars

And yet

In between

There it is

The heart

Calm center

The witness holding both

Under and iron back

A raging fire

A nuclei holding them together

Balancing the two

Bring them together

The two extremes cannot exist alone

Just sit there

Like a log

If you cant feel the flames

Warming you heart

Hold the coldness

Gently without resisting

Let go of that fear

It does not serve you

You can love it dearly

Without clinging

Pulling or pushing

You can be in a deep depression

Behold the truth close to your heart

And be comforted

Its the compassion that matters

That is what you are

Fundamentally the thing holding the neurosis together

Underneath

Body thoughts

Kleshas

Its beyond the feeling of grasping on

It is there

I find that indesputable

Even if you think there is nothing

That in itself is a perception of the beyond

That seems important 

To explain

He was reactive

He had wisdom 

He was light in the dark

But he exploded

At times you could see

Where he was hanging on